The Last Confession
by Petronius
Summary: Co-written with Robyn the Snowshoe Hare- an early future fic from season 2. Willow discovers the truth about Buffy's violent death 20 years earlier, and the ghosts that linger.
1. Default Chapter

The Last Confession

_by  
Gaius Petronius and Robyn the Snowshoe Hare _

DISCLAIMER:  
Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the characters that appear on the show are the exclusive property of Joss Whedon, the WB, Fox and Mutant Enemy, Inc. 

**The Last Confession, Part 1**  
by Gaius Petronius and Robyn the Snowshoe Hare

I never thought about how it would end.

Neither did anyone else, for that matter. Now or even twenty years later, but there we were, at the end that we never thought would come.

Buffy left the Bronze at around nine, turning down Xander's last request for a dance. She waved when she left, calling lightly that she would see us in class tomorrow. I was so busy watching Oz play that I barely waved back. We hung around until about eleven, then Cordelia drove Xander home while I asked Oz for a lift in his van. None of us had bad feelings, worries, or even gave Buffy a second thought. She would be in the library tomorrow morning, like she always was, smiling as she asked us about last night's homework.

None of us had even said good-bye when she left. We just waved absently and moved on to other topics of conversation.

And none of us ever saw her again. The police thought that she ran away, and so did her mom. And that was it. No announcement over the school loudspeaker, no mourning, no grave.

When we went into the library that morning, we found Giles packing. He didn't even acknowledge our presence, just kept on packing up his books on the occult and putting them into FedEx shipping boxes. 

We were scared, and babbled questions, but he wouldn't answer. Cordelia was the one who noticed the dried blood on the library table. Looking at it, none of us could bear to ask the question that sprang to the front of our minds. Finally, it came down to me, just as Giles was walking out the door.

"Giles," I asked hesitantly, "where's Buffy?"

It was as if he hadn't heard us before this. He turned around, and I remember thinking how old and tired he looked at that moment.

"She's dead." he said, his voice flat, emotionless and his eyes empty. Then he turned around and walked out the door. We never saw him again.

For a long moment we stood there in complete, shocked silence. We had always known that Buffy faced death every night, but none of us had ever accepted the fact that she would probably never graduate from high school. And we tried to deny it, say that Giles must be wrong, that we would never believe that she was dead until we saw her body. Then Xander knelt and picked something up off the floor. Opening his hand, he showed us what it was.

It was the cross that Buffy had been wearing last night when she left the Bronze. Small and gold, she once told me that she wore it more for comfort than for what little protection it offered. Now, it was covered with dried blood.

Cordelia started to sob. I had never known that she cared so much, but in that moment her stiff front collapsed. Xander just stood there, clutching the small cross in his hand, fighting tears. I slumped down and sat on the floor. I don't know whether I wept or not. It was over. That's all I knew and somehow, after that moment, it was harder to remember.  
  
Cordie, Xander, and I had known Buffy less than three years. We had lived in comfortable darkness until she came, safe and happy in our ignorance. She had been like a bright light, showing us the harsh realities of our life on the Hellmouth, but also offering her love and friendship. Now that she was gone we were left in aching darkness once more.

Eventually, the pain lessened a bit. Life went on, though never as before. Cordelia, Xander, Oz, and I all drifted apart. It had really been one sunny-haired girl from L.A. who had held us together. We finished high school and headed off to our seperate colleges.

Oz, my old werewolf boyfriend, lives in Ohio where he runs a chain of supermarkets. Xander lives in Boston with his wife and adopted son, working as a school guidance counselor. Cordelia became the youngest woman to ever be elected to the United States Senate. I live with my husband Jonathan and our three children in Seattle, and work in the local high school as the computer science teacher.

We don't see each other nowadays. A birthday or Christmas card is the extent of our communication. But we all remember our Sophomore and Junior years, when we knew a Slayer and a Watcher who changed our lives.

That was almost twenty years ago now. Last week I received a letter in the mail. It was from Giles.

"Dear Willow,

I hope that the years have been kind to you, and that you are happy. I apologize for raising old ghosts with this letter, but I think that it is time that those who loved Buffy know the truth about her death. Consider this my last confession, as the doctors have informed me that I have a week at best before the cancer ravaging my body claims my life. But enough of that. Here is the truth of the night that Buffy Summers died.

On her patrol, Buffy was ambushed by Angelus and five vampires. She managed to slay the lackey vampires, but was severely wounded. It was then Angelus attacked. OnlyBuffy knows what happened next, but when the fight was over Angelus was dust and Buffy was lying on the ground, barely hanging on to consciousness and unable to move her legs.

Somehow, she managed to drag herself to the library. I found her at the door and placed her on the library table. She was delirious by then, and from her ravings I gathered the general idea of the battle that I have just told you. When she slipped down into unconciousness I was able to examine her, and bandage her wounds. It was then that I discovered what Angelus had done just as she was driving a stake through his heart.

He had broken her back.

Movement and feeling from the waist down were completely lost to her. With her Slayer healing metabolism, I was quite sure that she would survive, but nothing could heal such an injury as her back. Even if she lived, she would never walk again.

The oath a Watcher takes to bind himself to his Slayer is long and manifold. We are to guard them, train them, care for them, and for many of us, love them. Buffy knew these oaths, but there was one oath that she didn't know.

If there ever comes a time when the Slayer cannot perform her duties, her Watcher is sworn to kill her, thus activating a new Slayer.

Confined to a wheelchair, Buffy would be killed by the first vampire that she met. Her only option would be to avoid them at all costs. This was in direct conflict to her sacred duty.

My own duty was clear. Going to my office, I retrieved a pillow that I kept for the occasions that I researched all night, and caught an hour of sleep on a cot in the corner.

Returning to my charge's side, I gazed down at her. She was weak from bloodloss and the agony from her back, but she still woke up. Looking into her wide green eyes, I saw them clouded with fear and pain. Seeing me, her mouth opened to ask me something, I'll never know what. Smoothing her hair with my hand, I told her softly, 'Go to sleep, Buffy, you're safe now.' Trusting me completely, she closed her eyes and didn't fight to stay awake. It was then that I brought the pillow down onto her face. It only took a few minutes.

Lifting her up, I wrapped her in my jacket and carried her to my car. At that point it was about 2 in the morning. I drove to the abandoned factory that had been the lair of Spike, Angelus, and Drusilla. It had been severely damaged by the fire set the night of Jenny Calendar's death, and now I planned to finish the job. I built a small pyre of boards for her. Then I lit it.

The fire brought the whole building down, and the police put it off as simple arson. No one ever suspected that she had been inside.

Returning to my house, I packed a few clothes, books, and necessities. I put them into my car, and called ahead to the airport to purchase a one-way ticket to England. Going to the library, I collected all of my important books and mailed them to a friend who would keep them for me. I submitted my resignation and left.

I loved Buffy like a daughter, and even through twenty years I have never forgotten her, nor forgiven myself for performing my final duty. In the twenty years since her death, there have been eighteen seperate Slayers. I have never Watched even one of them. No one could ever replace or rival Buffy.

And that is the truth of the death of Buffy Summers, the Slayer who defeated the Master, loved a vampire, slew for almost three years, and died at the hand of her Watcher. 

Sincerely,

Rupert Giles"

***

I wanted to know the truth of how my dearest friend died, and now I did. I truly wish that I didn't. Buffy killed the person she loved most, and then was killed in turn by someone whom she loved and trusted.

I couldn't tell Xander or Cordelia about the letter, which I burnt. I long for their blissful ignorance, which can never be appreciated until it is lost. 

How I will ever sleep again at night, I don't know. As I stare at the ceiling in the early hours, the only sound is Jonathan's strong breathing next to me. But sleep doesn't come. 

For now there are ghosts, two I haven't seen in twenty years. My heart aches when I see those faces in the dark of the night, one forever young with carelessly tossed blond hair, the other, old and care worn. 

I have to go back. Maybe I'll call Xander in the morning, too. I don't know. But there is one last thing. Buffy . . . Giles . . . dear spirits . . . be patient tonight . . . I swear to you . . . I will not let it end this way.

The next morning I knew what I had to do. I gave Xander a ring at his office, and it was funny because he said he had a premonition that I was going to call. When I told him about Giles' letter, the phone was silent for the longest time. I thought we had been disconnected, but then I heard him fumbling with something on the other end and then sniffling, so I just waited patiently.

"Xander? You still there?"

"Yeah, Will." There was another pause.

"Xander, are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm okay." Then a mournful tone came to his voice. The only time I had ever heard him sound like that was when I last saw him, the day after graduation. He told me he had broken off his engagement to Cordelia and was leaving for Boston in the morning.

"I was just looking at something . . . and thinking."

"Xander, we have to go back," I said, trying to draw his attention to the conversation. "We have to do something for Buffy and Giles. I don't really know what yet. But there's something unfinished."

"I know, Will. I've been feeling it for years, now." His remark sent a sudden pang through me. It almost felt like the sensation you get when you open a newspaper and see on the obituary page a tiny write up for an old friend you lost touch with a long time ago.

"If you were feeling like that why didn't you call me?"

"I thought it was just me being weird. And, truthfully, I really wasn't ready to look back. No offence."

Strange, too, he wasn't mad that I had burned Giles' letter. I thought he would have been angry with me for witholding the final fate of our two friends. I had to bite my lip when I heard his explanation.

"Willow," he said, "I always felt Giles died that morning when he told us Buffy was gone. After that, the Giles we knew didn't exist anymore. From what you tell me, I guess he felt the same way."

We didn't say anything for a moment. Then Xander broke the silence, his voice now the old flippant Xander once again.

"So, you're proposing a mini-class Slayerette reunion? One thing just occured to me. You think the old dump is still there? They might have torn it down by now."

I half snickered at the irony of the thought. "Geez, I never really considered that! Oh, Xander, could you do me a favor and call Oz. I feel a little funny about it."

"No sweat," was his light response. "And I'll give old Cordie a buzz, too. She'd have a fit if she learned we left her out." I was a little surprised by that remark.

"You sure you want to talk to her? Last I heard, you guys weren't exactly on speaking terms after you walked out on her. And she is a big muckity-muck politician now."

"Since when did a high class babe ever phase me, huh?" I had to smile remembering Xander and Cordelia's fiery relationship.

"Okay, it's up to you if you want to get your head bit off."

"No, Will," Xander said, "That was the praying mantis biology teacher. I'm *not* calling her!" For the first time in weeks, I laughed out loud.

Time, often mercifully, has a tendancy to race by before you even notice the eternal changes his subtle hand has worked upon your life. Suddenly two decades have passed, new faces surround you, and treasured photos and memories you once gazed at on a daily basis are now relegated to an old worn suitcase in the back of the crawl space in the attic. 

The next two weeks went by like that. I spent a lot of time rooting in old trunks and footlockers, trying to refresh my memories and searching for clues for what I had to do. I stumbled over a box of my high school diaries. Those were bittersweet and reading them difficult. The entries quickly became fewer and fewer in the weeks following Buffy's death and then ended all together.

Jonathan was his usual understanding self. He knew of my past and those eventful two and a half years.

"If it's what you need to do," he said quietly, "then go for it." Then he gave me a hug and whispered in my ear. "I understand. I feel like I knew them, too."

"But Jonathan," I said, trying not to become emotional, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do." His voice was calm and reassuring as he gently brushed the hair off my forehead with his hand.

"Just follow where your heart leads you, Will. It's never failed you yet." He kissed me and held me in his arms. Only then did time, in his infinite wisdom, grant me his most precious gift and slow down. 

**To be continued! **


	2. The Last Confession part 2

The Last Confession  
_by  
Gaius Petronius and Robyn the Snowshoe Hare _

DISCLAIMER:  
Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the characters that appear on the show are the exclusive property of Joss Whedon, Fox and Mutant Enemy, Inc. 

**The Last Confession - Part 2**  
by Gaius Petronius and Robyn the Snowshoe Hare

"Hey, Xander!" My perky greeting matched the brilliant southern California late morning sun as I jumped into the rental car next to my old high school "best bud." It did feel good. The dry warmth was such a welcome change from the eternal dampness of the Pacific northwest that I almost forgot the reason I had flown down from Seattle.

He smiled, leaned over from the steering wheel and gave me a warm embrace.

"You look great, Will. I wish I could say the same for myself." I blushed at his sincere compliment. 

"You're always too hard on yourself," I said, trying to boost his ego. Time had not been as kind to Xander. Still two years shy of forty, he had put on weight but what was most noticeable were the spreading strands of premature grey now interspersed with his originally rich black hair. Looking at his face as he pulled away from the curb, I couldn't help but notice the deep circles under his eyes.

"Sorry I was late," he said. "Had a hard time finding the place. I don't remember this hotel. Must be one of the new ones. A lot of stuff has changed around here."

"Xander," I put my hand on his arm as he maneuvered to a stop light. He looked over at me. "Thanks for coming. It means a lot to me."

"Will, I always thought it was too late to help Buffy." Xander turned the car out onto the long stretch of road that eventually would lead to Sunnydale High. "When you called, it was like getting a second chance. You know I'd do anything for her. I just wish we had been able to do this twenty years ago."

"I know, Xander, I do, too." We didn't say anything for the next few blocks. Then Xander broke the silence in his matter of fact way.

"Oz couldn't make it, you know."

"Yeah, I figured as much."

"Something about the full moon and not wanting to lock himself in the bathroom on the red eye!"

I smiled. Dear old Oz, sounded just like him.

"He sends his love."

I was about to ask Xander how Oz was doing, if he ever got married, if he had any children, but something made me stay silent.

"Oh, and I got a surprise for you . . . Cordie's coming."

"What?" I nearly yelled it. "You're kidding? How did you convince her? How did you even get her to talk to you?"

"Piece of cake." Xander grinned as he looked out straight ahead at the heavy traffic. "I just called her office in D.C. Some campaign dweeb answered the phone. I said 'This is Xander Harris and I want to speak to Cordelia Chase.'" Xander smiled.

"They put you through to her? Just like that?"

"Are you kidding! No way! The dweeb did everything he could to get rid of me. 'She's very busy.'" Xander did a marvelous imitation of an officious twenty-two year old political intern on his first job.

"'I'd be happy to e-mail you one of her position papers. What was the issue you were concerned about?' I could hear all kinds of office noise in the background, and I swear Cordie was yelling at somebody. I should know what that sounds like by now!"

Enthralled by the story, I just gazed at Xander, my mouth open in amazement. I saw the whole comedy of errors unfold as he told it.

"So I told the dweeb he better inform his boss, who I knew was standing right behind him, that Xander Harris was calling from Boston to talk to her. Instead of putting me on hold, like an idiot, he covered the receiver with his hand. I heard everything. 'Ms. Chase, some weirdo on the line here is demanding to speak to you. Says he's a Sander Harris.' Then the "S" hit the fan! It was so great to hear when it's not directed at you!"

Then I started laughing, and I think I cried inside a little too. Xander was smiling and joking again, the old Xander I remember, the one who used to bring me salamanders as a kid, just to make me scream.

"Let me finish, Will! So I hear this yell in the background, 'You Moron, McGowan! Patch it into my office, now!' Then a smooth, unruffled voice comes on the line, 'This is Senator Chase, how may I help you?' She's still a pro! It took every ounce of my self control not to break out laughing!"

I was hardly able to contain myself. "So? What did she say?"

"Not much, actually. I did most of the talking. Funny, she was real sweet, though. Said she'd cancel all her appointments and be here. In fact I bet she's probably beat us to the school by now."

"Xander, she's not expecting anything of you, is she?" Cordelia had never married, but instead had buried herself in a high powered career. Somehow I thought she never fully accepted Xander breaking off their engagement.

"If she is . . . oh God I hope not. You don't think, Will . . .? I didn't say anything to lead her on! . . . Cripes, Will, Anne Marie's gonna kill me! How the hell am I gonna get outta this?"

"You're babbling, Xander." It was reassuring to see some things hadn't changed. 

When we pulled up into the old Sunnydale High parking lot, the first thing I spotted was the vintage Alfa Romeo sticking out like a sore thumb amidst all the construction equipment. Then I gasped as my eyes fell on the tall figure of Cordelia standing beside the red car. From a distance it was like twenty years had never passed. She was tall, dressed in slacks with wrap around dark glasses and a light sweater casually draped over her shoulders. She was also tapping her foot impatiently. No, some things definitely had not changed.

"Where the hell have you two been!" Cordelia barked as we climbed out of the car, "I've been waiting for twenty minutes!"

"Boston," Xander remarked nonchalantly.

"Seattle," I chimed in.

Cordelia just shook her head and smiled. Close up I could now see the beginning of wrinkles on her well tanned face and my little vision from twenty years ago quickly evaporated.

"Hi, Willow." Cordelia said. There was a warmth in her voice I suddenly realized I had forgotten.

"Hi, Cordelia," I replied. We just stared for a moment and then put our arms around each other. It was another surprise in a day that would be full of surprises.

"You know," she said, "I almost didn't come. I didn't know what I was going to feel like when I met you guys again." She took off her dark glasses. "I guess I feel pretty good." I spotted the faintest hint of wetness around her eyes. 

"I'm real glad you did."

Cordelia looked over my shoulder at Xander who was standing a few feet behind us with the dust from the construction site blowing around his shoes.

"Willow, who's the dude you got chauffeuring you around?"

"Him? Oh, just some riff raff I picked up at the airport."

"Excuse me!" Xander snapped defensively as he barged his way forward. 

"You look familiar," Cordelia said, waggling her finger at Xander. "I know! You were that obnoxious newspaper editor in San Francisco who wouldn't endorse me in the last election!"

"Come on, stop it Cordie," Xander spoke softly with a little hurt in his voice. He tried to catch her gaze head on but ended up staring at his dusty shoes instead. I could tell from the look on Cordelia's face that, at first, she derived considerable pleasure from teasing Xander. But as the moments passed something in her couldn't take seeing the slightly overweight and prematurely greying guidance counselor stand there with his head hanging as he had so many years before.

"Hey, you jerk," Cordelia said quietly. As Xander looked back up at her, Cordelia opened her arms and the two embraced silently. I just stood to the side. I could feel the warmth. This was what I remember Buffy always called a "real communication moment," and you didn't interrupt one of those for anything.

Xander then stood back from Cordelia staring up and down at her. 

"Wow, you're still a babe!"

"Thank you!" Cordelia was honestly pleased by the compliment. "How's your family? How much trouble did Ann Marie give you about coming?"

"Plenty," said Xander, smiling, "but underneath it all she was really good. I told her about Buffy and everything a long time ago."

"Everything, Xander? Us, too?"

"Oh Yeah!" he said wiping his brow. "That's one thing. You don't keep secrets from Ann Marie! She said if I so much as looked at you wrong, she'd send for her four brothers in Dublin, and after they tore me to pieces, they'd feed the parts to the carp in the Charles River!"

"She sounds perfect for you."

"Yeah," Xander spoke quietly. "She's been my Guardian Angel." Then Xander and Cordelia stared at each other for a moment. Finally Cordelia spoke.

"It's okay, Xander. Still friends?"

"Yeah, still friends. And you can insult me anytime you want."

"No problem, jerkface."

"Anytime, pom pom brain." 

Smiling at each other, they both were silent for a moment more. Now was the time to interrupt.

"Hey guys," I said, "Not to diss the 'moment' but how are we going to get inside?"

"Oh! That's right!" said Cordelia, and she began fussing in her purse. "Hang on, I got it right here." She quickly pulled out a single key. "Ta dah!" Cordelia announced and looked at me and Xander as if expecting us to bow.

"That's my ex!" announced Xander picking up immediately on Cordelia's need for praise.

"Where'd you get that?" I asked. Somehow Cordelia's constant resourcefulness always amazed me.

"Let's just say the superintendent of schools owed me bigtime since I was the one who got the matching federal funds for the new building." Cordelia put on her trademark smug grin. Xander and I just shook our heads.

"Well," Cordelia said, "I didn't come two thousand miles to stand out here in the dirt! And I ditched a half dozen media hyenas back at the hotel. I don't know how long I'm gonna have before their pea brains figure out I'm not inside anymore!"

We all turned and walked across the parking lot over to the foot of the steps that led up to the front doors. I thought how often as teenagers we had sat on the side of those steps, talking, exchanging gossip about classes, boyfriends/girlfriends, vampires, the Hellmouth and the latest peculiar doings of Giles. As if following unspoken orders, we stopped and looked up to the doors. 

Although the mid morning sun was shining brightly, the darkness behind the glass panes cast out a pall of uncertainty over us. I had no idea what to expect or what we would see in those empty hallways. Would the table still be there in the library? The tragedy we had all shared lay somewhere inside. And so it seemed was our youth, now crumbling, abandoned, ready for the wrecking ball. It made me angry, an irrational anger that the city of Sunnydale should show so little respect for what we had gone through, for all of what Buffy had done in those short two and a half years.

It was like we were looking through a gateway into another world, a world whose light had been put out by one terrible event, an event that had scattered those of us who had survived but left our souls forever scarred. Yes, the ghosts were here, too. I knew Buffy and Giles were somewhere in there.

"Okay," said Xander with hesitation in his voice. "This may sound silly in broad daylight but who's gonna be brave and go first?" Cordelia gave him a look as if to say, "Me?"

"I will," I replied firmly. I took the key out of Cordelia's hand and, as in a dream, climbed the steps up to the locked doors. "I'm here, Buffy," my mind thought. "I'm here and I brought the others. Be patient, dear spirit. Just a few minutes more."

I kept my eyes riveted on the door handles and then quickly pushed the key into the lock. I knew if I looked up into the darkness inside, I wouldn't have gone through with it. The lock didn't turn at first but I jimmied the key for a second and the worn aluminum bar suddenly dropped down almost of its own accord and the door swung open. I walked into the darkness, Cordelia and Xander close behind me.

Our footsteps on the faded linonleum rang down the dim empty hallways. Here and there a construction drop light hung from an open hole in the ceiling casting eerie illumination and sharp demon-like shadows. The first signs of demolition were everywhere. All the lockers were torn out, probably sold off and melted down for scrap. For a moment Cordelia stood mournfully gazing at an empty spot in the wall.

"It was here," she said sadly. "Mine was here." Xander stood beside her but didn't speak. In a funny way, it was like they were both grieving. I gazed into Ms. Calendar's computer lab but there was really nothing to see. All the desks and equipment were long gone leaving an empty room with a thin cloud of construction dust floating about a foot above the floor. I quickly turned and headed down the hallway towards the library. As I got closer, I could see the doors were missing.

I walked straight in without stopping . . . until my foot brushed against something small and box shaped on the floor. Looking down in the half light, I saw it was a book. As my eyes adjusted, I suddenly realized that the whole floor of the library was littered with them, some open, some closed, all tossed cruelly around as if they were valueless junk. Everything else was gone, the stacks, tables, Giles' check out desk. Only the books remained, left behind as if they were nothing more than another pile of construction debris.

I heard Cordelia gasp directly behind me, "The bastards!" Immediatly, I knew why things were this way. Over ten years ago, to save space, most schools had abandoned the old hard copy libraries and gone to fully computerized reference terminals. I guess Sunnydale High had been one of the few holdouts. Now, with the new school going up, the old place had given up the ghost. The image in the Library on that morning tore at my heart as much as those of Buffy and Giles in the dark of my nights.

"They don't know," I whimpered. "They don't understand . . . they never will . . ."

"Hey, Willow," Xander said calling me back. "Remember why we're here." I looked at Xander, and he smiled sympathetically. He was right. It had taken twenty years but we were finally back. I stared all around me searching for some sign. My mind called out to my ghosts. "Buffy? Giles? We're here. Where are you?" There was no reply. Only silence.

"What's going on?" Cordelia finally asked with an edge to her voice.

"Will?" Xander looked me directly in the face.

I was completely lost now.

"I don't know. I can't find them. I don't know what we're supposed to do." I started to panic as Cordelia's eyes blazed at me. She turned to Xander.

"I come two thousand miles, and she doesn't know what we're suppose to do!"

"Easy Cordie." Xander turned to me again, at the same time reaching into his pocket.

"Here, maybe this will help." Xander opened his palm to reveal a tiny cross on a thin chain. Buffy's cross. He had saved it for two decades. He never knew why until today.

**To be continued! **


	3. Last Confession part 3

The Last Confession

_by  
Gaius Petronius and Robyn the Snowshoe Hare _

DISCLAIMER:  
Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the characters that appear on the show are the exclusive property of Joss Whedon, Fox and Mutant Enemy, Inc. 

**The Last Confession, Part 3**  
by Gaius Petronius and Robyn the Snowshoe Hare

It was then that it happened. As the small gold cross passed from hand to hand, we each saw something different. It wasn't until later when we compared notes that I fully realized what my ghosts were trying to tell me. As the cross slipped from Xander's hand into Cordelia's outstretched palm, she started sobbing, and somehow it seemed again like only minutes after Giles gave us the horrible news so many years ago. I guess Cordelia can tell better what she saw:

"It was so weird when I looked up from that little cross, and I saw Buffy and Giles standing there. She was just like I remember, and it took me a minute to compose myself. Then she spoke to me.

'Geez, Cordelia, get a grip! I never thought you cried this much. I thought that was Willow,' she grinned.

'Buffy, I'm making up for lost time,' I stammered. I wanted to wipe the tears out of my face but I couldn't find my tissues. So for the first time in I don't know how long, I wiped my eyes on my sleeve like Xander used to. 

'You can't cry when you're a politician,' I said trying to stand up straight and regain some sense of dignity.

'Yeah, must be a rough business.' She smiled at me, and her green eyes . . . well that almost started the whole crying thing all over again. I ended up floundering in my purse still looking for tissues. Like an idiot, all I could say was 'Yeah.'

I just didn't know what to say to her after that. It was then I realized how young and beautiful she had been. Finally I blurted out the only thing that came to my mind.

'Buffy, I'm sorry . . . I'm so sorry I was such a bitch to you.'

'You were a bitch!?' She almost laughed. "I think we spent half our time together clawing each others' eyes out! Builds character! Made you tough, right?'

'Yeah,' I almost couldn't continue talking. 'Hey, Giles.'

'Yes, Cordelia?'

'Tell your Slayer to shut up before she makes me start crying again!'

Giles never took his eyes off me. I always remember him as tired and frazzled but not today. His eyes sparkled, and I suddenly realized he wasn't wearing glasses anymore.

'Cordelia?'

'Yes, Giles?'

'You know it's not just what happened to us.'

I finally said something I had been thinking of for years.

'Giles, I know that. But you guys were where it all began. When Buffy died and then Xander left me, I was never certain of anything after that. So I had to be strong. I swore I'd never be hurt like that again.'

Suddenly Buffy came up right beside me.

'And you've done great,' she said softly, 'I can't believe it. Look at you! A US Senator!' I dropped my head as she put her hand on my shoulder.

'But it's been 20 years, Cordie. It's time, now. . . Open your heart a little bit again . . . do it for me . . . one bitch to another! . . . Then I think I could sleep better.'

Suddenly Buffy and Giles were gone. And I can't remember when I cried that hard except maybe maybe on this same spot once a long time ago on a sunny morning."

Cordelia held Buffy's cross for what seemed like only few moments. But in that short period of time she gripped it so tight in her hands and cradled it so fiercely up against her breast, I thought she was protecting something more valuable than life itself. Then, as quickly as she had received the cross, she suddenly looked directly at Xander. With her hands clasped together and her palms open, like she was holding something sacred, she offered the little cross to Xander. I've never seen her mascara such a mess.

Each movement we made seemed in slow motion like I sometimes experience in a dream. Xander gently plucked the cross out of Cordelia's outstretched hands, lifting it by the delicate chain. He gently rubbed the tiny links between his fingers then drew the gold cross in and caressed it with his hands. He never said a word but stared intensely at this solitary physical presence of our old friend. Later, Xander tried to describe what he saw.

"The minute that chain hit may hand, she was right in front of me. Giles, too. Of course, like a dork, I just stood there with my mouth open. She smiled, . . . God, that smile. Then she spoke.

'Xander? . . . Yoo hoo? . . ."

I didn't say anything, just stared. Then I took a deep breath.

'Buffy, are you . . . real?'

'You can see me, can't you?'

'Yeah, but that doesn't mean you're real.'

What happened next, well . . . Buffy reached out and took one of my hands in hers, and she just sort of gently rubbed it. And I remember thinking, gosh this is strange cause her hands used to have callouses from working out, but now they were so smooth and soft.

'Xander,' she said, 'You can see me. You can feel me. For you then, I am real.'

And I did something even crazier. I took my hand away from her, reached up . . . and gently stroked the side of her face. Then, with the same hand I kissed my fingertips and touched her forehead with them. Oh God, then she smiled again! It was like twenty years had never passed!

'Don't smack me, Buff, I'm not trying to be fresh.'

'I know. That was so sweet. You have a big heart, Xander Harris. And I got a bone to pick with you about that. We don't have a lot of time, and you have to do something for me.'

Imagine it! Buffy Summers needed me to do something for her! My ego went through the roof. Whatever she wanted! I would have even charged out and mooned the Master right then and there!

'Xander? Why did you have to go break Cordie's heart?'

I never saw that one coming!

'Huh?'

'You guys were so good together. What happened?'

'Buffy . . . please . . .'

'Xander, tell me . . .'

And then I said things I wanted to say for twenty years, but the only person I should have told them to I'd run away from. So I told them to a ghost instead.

'Buffy, when you died, inside me something died, I think in all of us. We tried to go on but . . . everything fell apart. It hit Cordie especially bad. So I kept her as close to me as I could. I showered her with gifts, love, . . . we took off over spring break alone to a cabin up north. Our parents didn't like that one at all. But she really wanted to be alone with me. And then . . . I proposed to her. Her parents flipped! But it was all worth it cause you should have seen the look on her face when I gave her the ring. It was just a shitty little thing, but you'd have believed she thought it was the Hope Diamond.'

'I know, Xander. I was watching you guys that day.'

'Then you know nothing was healing. Everyday around here it got worse and worse. I'd sit in my room at night and cry. Cry, Buffy! Blubbering! It wasn't just because of what happened to you. It was for everything we'd lost. And more we were losing every day. By the end of senior year, I hated the sight of Sunnydale, even California. I had to get out of here. I even thought about taking Cordie with me. I figured we'd elope and start out completely fresh someplace else. As far away as possible.'

'But then I realized, something about Cordie. She doesn't follow. She has to lead. That's who she is. If we had gotten married and then left for Boston, it would have destroyed her. I mean, look at her now! Do you think she'd be in the Senate if she were married to me. She'd have always resented me holding her back, and we'd probably have ended up in divorce court in three years. Either that or stuck it out hating each other . . . even though we loved each other. I couldn't go through with it, Buff. I figured it was better to hurt her once, rather than break her heart year after year.'

Then Buffy stared me straight in the eyes.

'Xander, did you ever tell Cordie this?'

'Well, no.' I had to look away. Buffy reached out with her hand again and turned my head back to look at her.

'Then that's what I want you to do for me.'

'Can't I just go stake a vampire? Maybe somebody's harvested Snyder by now.'

'I realize this is a heck of a lot harder. That's why I want you to do it. Deal?'

Bowing my head, I nodded in agreement. Then she leaned up and kissed me on the cheek. Something in me snapped. I saw Giles standing behind her, and I lashed out at him.

'Damn it, Giles! Why the hell didn't you let us help? We all would have done anything for her! Willow, Oz, me, Cordie, we'd have all thrown everything away! Everything!'

I turned back to Buffy and could feel the wetness on my cheeks.

'Everything, Buffy . . . to protect you . . . '

'I know, Xander,' she replied and she hugged me as I couldn't stop the tears from running down my face. 

'And I didn't want that,' she said quietly.

For the first time, Giles spoke. His voice was calm. Every word he said was soothing. There was none of the pain and sorrow Willow had described from his letter.

'I know you would have,' he said. 'And I wrestled with the idea for hours that night. But the reality of the situation was the Darkness now knew the Slayer was crippled, and all the forces of the Hellmouth were about to sweep down sensing her weakness. All of you would have fallen defending Buffy. I was already going to be responsible for the destruction of someone very dear to me. I would not let a worse fate befall four others she loved very much.'

I hung my head, ashamed of my outburst. It was then that Buffy took my hand again.

'I gotta scoot, Xander. I'm always around, though, if you need to talk. I'm a great listener now. And remember . . . talk to Cordie, okay?'

'I will,' I said, 'And Buff, . . . I may want to shoot the breeze sometime, if that's all right. Some of the kids I counsel now, well, I don't know what to do for them sometimes, and you had a great way of cutting through the bull crap.' She smiled.

'I'll be there when you need me.' And then they were gone. The next thing I knew I was handing Buffy's cross to you, Willow." 

And my hand was stretched out to Xander to receive this tiny gold fragment of a life that had meant so much to me. Like a drop of water scattering rainbow brilliance, falling though the darkness, Buffy's cross slipped out of his hand and, as in a frozen moment in time, dropped silently into mine. And then she was looking at me.

"Hey, Will."

"Hey, Buffy." That's all I could say. I wasn't frightened, but more in awe than anything else. For a moment more we stared at each other in silence.

"We're here, Buffy," I finally blurted out. " Me, Xander and Cordelia. We couldn't help you and Giles before but we're here now. And I'm keeping my promise. We're not leaving until we make things right for you and Giles. You guys are not going to deal with this alone any more."

She was so happy to see me. Usually I'm the one with the big grin but this time . . . those sparkling green eyes . . . I couldn't help but grin right back at her in spite of my misgivings.

"That's better, Will," she said. But something wasn't right. She seemed at peace, not the high strung Buffy I remembered. And then I saw Giles and he was just like Xander and Cordelia would later describe him, very calm, unperturbed, nothing like the distraught image I remember from my sleepless nights. 

"Buffy?" I couldn't formulate my question because I really didn't know what to ask.

"Willow, . . . Giles and I, we called you guys here."

"But I don't understand, Buffy." 

I looked uncertainly at Giles.

"Giles? Your letter, . . . I thought . . ."

Giles then spoke to me. His voice was soothing with none of the pompous uncertainty that we used to laugh at. In fact, I don't even remember an accent.

"Willow," he said, "That suffering was while I was still alive. It was part of the penance I had to serve as a Watcher. But that's all gone now."

Buffy joined in.

"What Giles didn't realize was I forgave him twenty years ago." As she continued, it was then that I saw the first touch of sadness on her face. 

"But what we couldn't foresee was how it would tear you guys apart. So Giles and I, we called you here." 

I was stunned. I could only think of all the nights I had lain awake, even before receiving Giles' letter, weeping over the unknown fate that had befallen my two best friends. Of the days in computer class where I had inexplicably started crying in the middle of a lesson. How could I have been so stupid. We weren't here for them. Once again, Buffy and Giles were coming through for us.

"Willow, it's all right," she said. "You can make your peace with it now and keep the good memories." 

And then I began to whimper. I felt so ashamed and foolish.

"But Buffy, I still feel like I could have done something for you . . . and if not that, then at least helped Giles! Giles, all those years you were alone . . . "

Giles interrupted me.

"There is something you can do, Willow. And it's very important."

"Anything, Giles!"

"Willow, you still have your diaries?"

"Yes," I said as I tried to stop sniffling.

"Then I want you to write the story."

Now I was puzzled.

"I want you to chronicle those two and half years," he continued, "and send it to other Watchers and Slayers as a guide and a witness to all of our struggles together." 

Buffy then put her hand on my shoulder. "That way, Willow, others can benefit from what we did right . . . and learn from our screw ups."

"Then, Willow," Giles said, "I want you to publish it . . . as fiction of course. That way, everyone who reads our adventures, although they disbelieve the events in their minds, will know in their hearts the truth of what we did and sense the strength of what we felt for each other . . . And that way, Buffy and I won't just live on in your heart alone, we'll all live on . . . forever! Vox audita perit, littera scripta manet. . . . 'The spoken word passes away. That which is written down lives forever!'"

It was such a strange but exhilarating feeling, the thought of doing what Giles asked unleashed a surge of optimism and joy. Then Giles and Buffy became blurry, maybe it was the tears in my eyes. By the time I wiped them with the back of my hand, my dear friends were gone. And I was left standing, holding a little gold cross in my shaking hands.

I turned to hand this precious symbol of all Buffy had just done for us back to Xander. Although he had no idea what I had seen, he smiled and shook his head.

"You keep it, Will," he said. "I think for whatever it is Buffy and Giles want you to do, it'll be important."

In those few moments, all our roaming spirits were put to rest. The next morning Cordelia and I saw Xander off on the plane to Boston. As I waved goodbye from the observation deck, I wondered about what had happened the previous day. It was clear I had completely misunderstood my ghosts. Xander, Cordelia and I thought we were returning to Sunnydale to bring peace to two troubled spirits. In reality, Buffy and Giles called us back to lay to rest demons that had haunted us for twenty years.

Why Buffy chose this moment in time, I'll never know. I guess it was Giles' letter and his passing, the years of torment he must have endured. I just marvel at the spirit of my dearest friend whose strength could span time and, as my mind saw it, whose love could reach from beyond the grave and make broken spirits whole once again.

Cordelia and I drove back to Sunnydale and had a late lunch that afternoon. As we sat sipping our glasses of Chardonnay I couldn't help but ask her about Xander. For the first time I can remember, Cordelia's smile seemed really relaxed.

"Yeah, we talked for awhile last night after you left. I'm glad we did. We both feel a lot better about it. Now Willow, you have to bring out those photos you've been dying to show but are too modest to mention."

I looked at her, puzzled that she would be so perceptive as to guess the one thing that gave me my greatest joy, my family. As I drew out a small group picture from my purse, Cordelia virtually snatched it out of my hand.

"Oh, they are so beautiful! They have your gorgeous hair!" And I sensed a touch of sadness in her admiration for the picture.

"Willow! You didn't tell me you married a hunk!"

I beamed with pride.

"Jonathan is really great. He's kind, loves the kids and is a total slave!" I laughed. Cordelia didn't want to give the picture up. She stared at the bent photograph for a few moments longer in silence. Finally smiling again, she passed it back to me. 

By now, the second glass of wine had made me bold (and a little flushed, too!) so I screwed up my nerve and asked the question that had been on my mind all during lunch.

"Cordie? Is there someone in your life, some one who adores you?"

I thought I knew her answer, but, when it came, it was the tone that surprised me. I never thought she would respond with such self confident candor.

"Me? Naah!" For a second there she sounded like Buffy. "Will, I've got so much going on right now but . . . who knows . . . there's always the future and I'm a little more open to the idea." And then Cordelia stared out the window by our table and spoke as if it were not me with her but someone else.

"Trouble is, my standards are too high. I can't help it. I was spoiled. It's been so long since I've met somebody who measured up to the first guy." 

As I fumbled through my purse for a tissue, my hands brushed across the gold cross again. It was then that a strange thought crossed my mind.

"You know, Cordie, I was wondering. Maybe we ought to take a drive down by where the factory used to be. I know it's gone and all but maybe just to say goodbye to Buffy one last time."

It was then that Cordelia gave me a look she used to reserve for Xander when he did something dumb but she loved him nonetheless for it.

"Willow, dear Willow, what would we ever want to do something like that for?" Cordelia sipped her wine waiting for me to explain myself.

"Well, I just thought . . ." Cordelia interrupted me. Her smile was radiant and uncritical.

"Willow, why would we go back to the old factory? Buffy's not there." Then she took her hand and placed it gently over her heart. 

"She's right here. And I, for one, have no intention ever of saying goodbye!"

Cordelia was right. I'm back home now, writing as fast as I can. And the feeling is exhilarating!

Finis

pax,  
Gaius Petronius and Robyn the Snowshoe Hare


End file.
